Addison the Sabotager of Love
by PageBoy15
Summary: The difficulties of wanting more and then getting what you want. Multi-Chapter Addison/Kevin, Addison/Pete story.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

"I love you."

Addison freezes in the act of opening her front door and stares blankly at Kevin. He's standing on her porch in a dark blazer and dress pants, looking handsome and sweet and as the filet mignon from a few hours ago begins flipping around in her stomach, she realizes she can't say it back. "I…"

"You don't have to answer Addison, it's just… I realized it a few days ago and tonight, well, I really wanted you to know. Is that okay?"

She doesn't have an answer to that either, so instead she just kisses him, but then pulls away before he can walk them inside. "I'm going to need a night to think some stuff over, but hey," she squeezes Kevin's hand and brightly gives him her best I-swear-I'm-not-fucked-up smile, "I'll call you tomorrow. Promise."

The bile begins to rise in her throat as soon as the door clicks behind her, Addison darts upstairs and bangs up both her knees as she collapses on the bathroom floor, heaving the entire contents of her dinner into the toilet.

-o-

"I'm a sabotager of love," Addison moans to Naomi the next day, burying her face in the cushions of her friend's work couch.

"Excuse me?" Naomi asks, shooting her a look that dates all the way back to their med school years when Addison would bust out with (usually drunken) statements such as, "I think I made out with a woman last night," or "My boyfriend's best friend may be a lot hotter than him"

"Think about it. I have literally spent the past two years involving myself with men who I _know_ there's no happy future with and now that I've actually managed to find one of the good ones, I'm all ready to start screwing up again."

Naomi sighs and folds her hands on her desk. "Okay, walk me through it. What's going on?"

"Kevin said he loved me."

"Oh my god! Addison, that's –"

"And instead of saying it back, I made him go home. Because even though I really wanted avoidance sex, I had to go throw up for twenty minutes. And this morning, by the way, I didn't listen to a single word anyone said in the meeting because all I could think about was jumping Pete's bones on his acupuncture table and ohmygod, listen to me, Derek was right, I am Satan. Help."

"You're going to have to give me a minute, I'm still stuck on the phrase 'jumping Pete's bones'."

Addison sits patiently and waits as her best friend does what she does best and thinks. She's convinced that if anyone can sort out the utter insanity that is her romantic life, it's Naomi, does-everything-she's-supposed-to Naomi, who, despite a painful divorce and a eager, young receptionist's advances, is still managing to make a second chance with her ex-husband work. "You're not going to yell at me this time, are you?"

Addison shoots to attention. "Double-board certified neo-natal surgeon's honor."

"Okay, first of all Addie, you are absolutely, one hundred percent, _not_ Satan and, just for record, Derek's an ass for thinking that up."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Second of all, considering all those men you've involved yourself with in the past two years, it's not exactly surprising that you're a little wary of the "L" word now, so stop beating yourself up for not being ready. It's fine. And finally, I know you're not a fan of opening up to people who aren't your best friends and sometimes not even then, but you should probably talk to Kevin before you do something you'll regret later."

Addison considers this for a second. "Like jump Pete's bones."

"Yes. There should be no jumping of Pete's bones."

"What about Cooper's?"

"Addison, you may be tall but I'm pretty sure Charlotte King could take you. Not worth the risk."

"What about Mark's? Can I call Mark?"

"I'm assuming you're joking and therefore done with your freak-out. We're moving onto actual patients now," Naomi states, flipping open the first file on her desk and pointedly ignoring Addison's grin as the redhead drags herself off the couch and slips her feet back into the heels she had previously kicked off.

"Who's joking? I could fly him down to L.A. and re-introduce him to the squishy and pink floor."

"Ew," is Naomi's only response, plus a wrinkle of the nose.

"Give him a personal tour of _my_ wellness center."

"I hate you. And your sex euphemisms. Go save babies."

"Hey, Nai?" Pausing by the door, Addison beings to feel ridiculous before she even voices her final question but, after years of hiding her thoughts from an absent, indifferent husband and his manwhore replacement, she's trying to remind herself of the benefits of having a best friend to talk to. Regardless of whatever problems the various men in their lives are causing, Addison and Naomi are always, once again, each other's someone. "Do you think he really means it?"

Naomi smiles at her warmly and Addison decides she'll hit a lot more than Sam's head if he ever does anything to take that warmth away.

"I think he's be crazy not, too."

-o-

That night, as Addison rings the doorbell to Kevin's house, she tries to calm her nerves and ignore the fact that a big part of her is hoping that he's down at the station. Then a light clicks on inside and Kevin's blurry form can be seen walking down the stairs and Addison focuses on commanding her feet not to turn and run.

"Hey." His face is scruffy with the day's beard a little thicker than usual and he's definitely tired but he looks happy that she's standing at his door. He's also in a relatively tight and thin old gray tee-shirt. Addison tries not to take too much notice of his broad chest as she shoves her hands into her jacket pockets and inwardly tells her hormones to knock it off. Avoidance sex is never the answer.

"Hey. I woke you up."

"No, it's fine, don't worry. Come on in." He places a hand on the small of her back and guides her over the threshold. "Do you want something to drink?"

"No, thanks, I shouldn't stay long, I just came by because, um, well I need to –"

"Break up with me."

"What? No!" Her eyes, which had been nervously darting around the room since she stepped in, shoot up to meet his, and at her words Kevin breaks out into a wide grin. It shocks her that she's able to make a man this happy just by being with him which, yes, okay, sounds pathetically insecure but whatever. She's entitled. "I came by because I have to ask you a favor. And I need you to be quiet and not say anything until I'm finished asking it. And also I need you to know that, no matter how this may come out, I'm not saying it to hurt you or because you did anything wrong. I'm saying it because honestly, I'm a little crazy. Which… you should probably know, by the way."

"Addison I knew that already. A sane person would have changed her pants immediately after getting out of dirty birthing tub water."

"Shut up." She takes a deep breath and shoots one last glance at Kevin before opening her mouth. "I need you to take it back. I need you to take that you love me back."

"Addison –"

"Wait, no talking remember? The thing is, I never thought I'd be one of those women who get hurt a few times and then shuts down, and I don't think I am really, not completely, but this moving on with my life thing, it's…" She chances looking at him one more time, and although she's expecting confusion or hurt or at the very least bemusement, Kevin's just leaning against the railing calmly, letting her talk. And so she keeps going, "it's harder than I thought it would be. And I know you can't get what I'm talking about because I haven't told you anything about my past relationships, which I will, by the way, just not tonight, but… I would really, _really_ appreciate it if you could take it back until I'm at a place where I can believe you. Is that… well. Never mind. I'm done now."

"So I can talk?"

"Yes."

"Alright, just give me a second." Kevin slides down the wall and rests his head against the wall, eyes closed. He opens them again after Addison sits down next to him, knees pulled up to her chest, and when he turns to look at her she's relieved to see he's smiling.

"Would it make you feel better if I told you I just said it to get into your pants?"

"Ass." Addison laughs as she whacks his shoulder, and wonders when she became the kind of relationship person who's more comfortable with flirting/teasing/banter than with serious, grown-up, talks. Probably sometime right before the affair, when Derek stopped listening to what she had to say, and she was too embarrassed to let Mark in farther than her bedroom.

All things considered, she thinks on the drive home, the conversation went pretty well, but somehow, despite rambling on for what felt like hours, she only touched on the very surface of what was bothering her. Addison still doesn't know when she'll be ready to hear it or say it or believe it, and was too afraid to ask Kevin his time limit. More importantly, she couldn't tell him that it isn't a matter of worrying that he'll hurt her but that she'll inevitably hurt him because, as history has proven, she tends to cheat on people who love her with people who can't.

-o-

Addison pulled up to her house and is climbing out of the car, when she hears a voice, drunk and flirty, calling her name from the sidewalk.

"Pete. How was poker night with the boys?"

He grins and ambles nearer. "Lost fifty bucks to Cooper. I'm pretty sure it's all going to be spent on condoms."

"Isn't there a cheaper way for males to bond? Sporting events or something?"

"Hey what we lose in money, we make up in memories. If you came over sometime, then you'd appreciate the magic."

"I can appreciate it just fine from next door," Addison replies, side-stepping her tipsy, unsuitable, oh-so-attractive acquaintance, and heads up the walkway. "Goodnight Pete."

"Hey Addison?" Even in the dark his grin is infuriatingly and inappropriately smug seeing as she's almost certain she was just borderline rude. "No one says 'jump his bones' anymore. Just thought you should know." Pete smirks one more time before disappearing into the night, leaving Addison standing there, cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

She was going to kill Naomi.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

The drama, for the most part, goes down after that. Pete of course spends the whole next morning radiating smug, holistic glory at her from across the meeting table and Naomi promises after to keep stories about Addison's teenage hormones to herself (it's just she told Sam who let it slip to Cooper who drunkenly confessed it to Pete during poker…). Addison does an admirable job of keeping her embarrassment level down to a minimum. She is, after all, currently sleeping with a sweet, sexy, officer of the law who not only wants her to spend the night after certain fun activities have sufficiently worn them both out, but also know how she likes her coffee and makes her waffles the next morning.

The next Sunday they're sprawled out on his couch, Kevin working on the newspaper's crossword puzzle and Addison working on nudging her foot up his pant leg while pretending to read the Style section.

"I'm never going to finish this if you keep doing that with your toe, you know," he says, one hand lazily rubbing her ankle. "I just put down that a six-letter _Paradise Lost_ author is 'Molton'."

"So much for cop-honed powers of concentration."

Kevin chuckles, then folds the newspaper onto his lap. "Hey, I just found out I have off tomorrow night, you want to go out to dinner or something?"

"Oh, I can't," she says apologetically, "I thought you were going to be at the station so I made plans to go out with everyone from the practice. Cooper's trying to turn Mondays into a bar night tradition, I think he feels more comfortable having Charlotte and Violet in the same room if he knows they'll both be drunk."

"Oh." Kevin hesitates a second before glancing back up at her. "Can I come?"

"Really? You want to?"

"Yeah. I want to get to know the people you work with. I've never even really met Naomi, and she's your best friend. Besides," he grins, "it'll be fun to see if your crazy gets worse with vodka."

"Oh, it totally does. Just don't be freaked if I accidentally call you the wrong name or get ridiculously horny or anything."

"Speaking of which…"

Kevin tosses the newspaper aside, gently pulls her on top of him so their foreheads are almost touching, and runs his hands down her sides. "Hey," Addison murmurs against his lips as he leans up to kiss her, "what about the crossword?"

"Fuck the crossword," he whispers back, lips moving onto her neck, fingers running over her hipbones.

-o-

"I love how introducing the boyfriend to us is your equivalent of having him meet the parents," Sam says. Beside him, Naomi tries to not beam too obviously at the use of the word 'us'.

Going public with their second try gave Sam temporary shared custody of Addison's friendship and gave the three of them plenty of chances to relive their medical school days of one cramped apartment, plenty of Chinese food, and a close bond fueled by youth, stress, and support. That night they were enjoying the warm weather outside on Sam's back porch and relaxing with a good meal and a bottle of wine before the workweek picked up again.

"Well sadly enough, youare the most grown-up people I know. At least on paper," Addison adds with a grin. "You promise to be nice, right?" While Sam and Naomi's relationship had started back in college, Addison hadn't met Derek until her third year at Colombia, so her two friends had years of practice picking on her romance choices, which had ranged everywhere from geeky lab partners to tattooed men from bars. Naomi had always been pleasant, if not a little stiff with the ones she disapproved of most, but Sam tended to be more on the protective side, not even holding out until she had gone to the bathroom to break out the tough talk.

"Of course we'll be nice," Naomi says reassuringly.

"Until he gives us a reason not to be," Sam throws in, taking his hand off his ex-wife's knee to reach for his glass. "But isn't there someone else you should be saying this to? Like possibly your former make-out buddy?"

"Who, Pete?"

"Unless you and Violet had some sort of secret thing going on, then yeah, Pete."

Addison shrugs. "I'm not going to keep Kevin under wraps just because it might make Pete a little… swirly. This friends thing isn't going to work if I factor him into all my relationship decisions. We tried; it didn't work. End of story."

"For you maybe."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning _nothing_," Naomi interjects, slapping Sam on the arm. "Shush you."

"Okay," Addison blinks at the two of them. "I'm officially confused. Should I obsess about this?"

"No," Naomi answers, "and don't obsess about introducing Kevin to anyone either. We'll like him because you like him."

"That is such bullshit. You never like anyone I date."

"Well then… we'll like him because he's not just some cute doctor boy with nice eyes."

"Pete was," Sam says unhelpfully, "And I like him." He freezes as Addison lets out a snort and Naomi tries to hide her smirk behind her napkin. "Wait, did I just say I thought one of my best friends was cute?"

"Oh, you know you did."

"It's all right Sam," Addison says, reaching over to pat his hand, "Naomi can totally keep this secret."

-o-

"So I officially have your stamp of approval now?" Kevin says hopefully, as he helps flag the bartender down.

The night had been going shockingly well. Naomi was pleased to discover that Kevin was not only hot and Not A Doctor, but also sweet, funny, personable, and obviously enamored with her best friend. Cooper and Sam automatically took a shine to him once they discovered Kevin was a fellow Lakers fan, Violet flashed Addison a subtle thumbs up after one once-over, and even Charlotte seemed to ease up a little once it occurred to her that someone outside the medical community might not have a great understanding of how important the Chief of Staff was. Pete, to his credit, was friendly enough and if he was a little quieter and smirked a little less than normal, it wasn't particularly noticeable. As for Addison, her smile had grown increasingly infectious over the course of the evening as her initial anxiety melted away with each tension-free moment.

The minute that Kevin had offered to go get the table some refills, Naomi jumped up to "help" a.k.a. get some one-on-one time away from the overwhelming group dynamic. After all, what was a friend for if not to be the first one to get the inside scoop?

"Oh, completely. But going off how surprised you sound, though, now I'm worried about how judgmental Addison made us out to be," Naomi says with a laugh as she reaches for her wallet.

"Not judgmental, just – no don't worry about it, I've got this round– just protective. Which isn't a bad thing at all; I'm glad she has people in her life who look out for her."

"As much as she allow us to, yes. It's hard for Addison to let people in sometimes, but it's pretty obvious how happy she is with you."

"You think?" Kevin smiles, and Naomi approvingly takes note of how his eyes drift over to where Addison's sitting perched on the couch, laughing with Sam as they listen to Cooper's enthusiastic retelling of some story.

"Absolutely. And she deserves it too, what the move and her divorce and everything her ex-husband put her…"

"Wait, what?" In a second, his gaze snaps back to Naomi. "What divorce?"

"Her… oh she didn't….." Naomi blinks. "Shit," she mutters under her breath. Okay, _now_, Addison was going to kill her. Maybe she should call in sick tomorrow.

-o-

"They're nice, right?" Addison trills gaily as she and Kevin walk to get a cab. "You had fun?"

"I had fun," he replies, his hand, warm and strong, planted firmly on her back, directing her away from incoming sidewalk traffic.

"Cooper's funny, isn't he? And you know what, I think I may _like _Charlotte King. Which is weird. And hey, aren't Sam and Naomi, great? They're great, right?"

"They're great. From the way Sam stared me down at first though, I thought he was going to drag me aside and demand to know what my intentions are."

"If he ever brings up his gun collection, don't worry, it's completely imaginary. God, once Maya starts to date she is screwed."

"Hey," Kevin suddenly grabs her hand and Addison spins around to face him. Her smile fades a little once she notices the serious look on his face.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah it's just, when I was at the bar with Naomi she said that…" He trails off and stares a little over her shoulder, so Addison tilts her head to re-meet his gaze.

"What?" she says, all too aware of the trepidation in her voice.

Kevin pauses for a second, then smiles and kisses her softly. "She said you were nervous about tonight so I just wanted you to know how much I liked everyone."

Addison lets out a relieved laugh. "Good. They liked you too. Oh hey, a cab!" Kevin puts out his hand and as the car pulls up to the curb, she gives his hand a tug. "You coming?"

"Yeah." Addison worries for a second that there's something still bothering him, but once they're settled in the backseat and his arm wraps around her waist, she brushes it off. It's probably just her imagination.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

"You told Kevin I was married." Naomi has placed herself standing behind the chair, behind the kitchen table, almost as if she thinks that the two pieces of furniture will give her enough cover and time to make a run for it if Addison, at any point in their conversation, decides that killing her immediately is a favorable option.

"I am so, so sorry," Naomi says, her voice as close to contrite as Addison has ever heard. "It just slipped out in conversation, and I thought you had already told him!"

"Well I hadn't!"

"Obviously I know that _now_. Look, doesn't the fact that he didn't bring it up mean that he's not mad?"

"Yes, but that's not the problem," Addison snaps. "The problem is that now that he does know, I have to tell him about Derek. And talking about Derek means talking about Seattle which means talking about New York which means talking about Mark, and then before you know it I'm stuck trying to convince someone _again_ that they shouldn't hate me for being an adulterous bitch!"

"Addison…" Naomi begins gently, which causes Addison to glare a little more because Naomi's the one who messed up; she shouldn't be allowed to slide right into the wise-mother role. "If someone cares about you they're not going to think that. But you're never going to able to grow in this relationship if you keep lying about your past ones."

"It's not a lie, it's an omission. Which is _different_. And besides, you're not one to lecture me about honesty, you haven't even told Sam that you made out with Dell."

"My omission doesn't span eleven-plus years so that's _different_, too," Naomi snipes back. "And stop getting mad at me for trying to help you with your very many emotional issues."

"Stop pretending that you know more about relationships than everyone around you when you still don't even know why you got divorced in the first place."

"That because I wasn't stupid enough to throw away my marriage in a single night!"

Addison's silent for a moment, then lets out a shaky laugh. "So much for the people who care about me not thinking that, huh?" She says before fleeing the kitchen, brushing by Sam in the process.

"What was that about?" Sam asks, staring at the redhead's retreating back.

"Shoes," Naomi mumbles into her hands, leaning back into the counter.

-o-

The point isn't what Naomi said (because it's true) or even that she said it at all (because Addison more than anyone gets doing or saying things out of anger that you wish you could take back later). The point is that she was _able_ to say it, and that once Addison tells Kevin about Derek and Seattle and New York and Mark, even if he doesn't think she's an adulterous bitch, even if he understands how she could have messed up like that, even if he calls Derek an ass and blames the whole thing on him, he's still going to know that she's capable of doing that. And that's knowledge that could change everything. So, yeah, Addison's freaking out a little.

"Hey." She feels a warm palm on the back on her hand and looks up to see Kevin's concerned look illuminated by the restaurant's candles. "Are you okay? You've been kind of quiet."

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little distracted. Naomi and I had a pretty big fight this afternoon."

"About what?"

"About you," Addison finally meets his eyes. "She told me what she said you last night."

"Oh," Kevin's hand lifts up for a second as he leans a little back in his chair.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

He shrugs. "I didn't want to force you into telling me if you weren't ready yet. Are you… ready now?"

"Not really" Addison scoffs quietly. "But there's a good chance I'll never be so maybe we should just… get it over with. So," takes a sip of wine, "what do you want to know?"

"Okay," Kevin says, looking a bit surprised at being given free reign, "When did you get divorced?"

"A little less than a year ago."

"So back in Seattle?"

"Yeah, actually he's the reason I moved there. We had been living in New York and then when we separated he went out to Seattle. I followed two months later and we tried to make it work for a little while but things eventually fell apart again. Well actually," she hears herself unintentionally letting out a somewhat bitter laugh, " things were never really put back together so it's more that he – we – decided it wasn't worth it." She feels Kevin's grip tightening and wishes that she hadn't let that last 'he' slip out, that she wasn't making Kevin think she was the victim because that theory was about to be blown apart.

"Why would he move to Seattle if you were already having problems?" Kevin asks. Addison takes note of the fact that he already sounds defensive on her part and it's enough to make her think '_Okay, maybe this won't be that bad,_' and take a deep breath to plunge right in.

"Because he found me cheating on him with his best friend."

Kevin moves his hand.

He's still looking at her but something's changed and Addison can't quiet tell what it is but it's enough to make fear, the we-can-survive-this-whose-panties-are-these panic, bubble up ever so slightly in her chest and out her mouth. "It was a huge mistake made for… a number of reasons that sound completely ridiculous and shallow when said out loud and I spent _months_ in Seattle trying to make up for it but it… it would be really great if you said something."

"I, um, wasn't expecting that," Kevin tells his plate.

"Well, what were you expecting?" Addison says softly, still trying to catch his eye.

"Let me just think for a second, okay?"

Besides a few pleasantries exchanged with the waiter, Kevin remains silent for the rest of dinner. Addison washes the fear down with the rest of the wine and thinks about what bullshit policy honest is.

-o-

"You probably won't hear from me for a few days, I'm just going to think about things for a while," Kevin says after pulling up to her house and Addison, despite feeling his reservation for what feels like a lifetime, can't help the tears welling up in her eyes. Not wanting to be seen crying about this in front of any man ever again, she turns to face the window and blinks to clear her head.

"But this… this doesn't have anything to do with us. You're not my ex-husband and I'm not that person anymore, I'm _not_. This is all in the past."

"If that's true, then why didn't you tell me sooner?" He doesn't say it as if it's a real question, but as a dismissive comment to stall for time and then suddenly she's waiting for the '_Not now, Addison_' that will inevitably end this conversation. And that's what triggers her anger.

"Because after meeting you everything seemed to be falling into place again and I was afraid that telling you would ruin that. And now you're reacting exactly the way I thought you would."

"I'm not reacting any way, I'm just… I don't know, trying to get this to make sense with the Addison I know."

"So, what, you learn something that doesn't fit your expectations and then just shut down?" she shouts.

"I get it," Kevin returns coldly, "I'm an ass for not being supportive. But I think I'm entitled to ask for just a little time without turning into the villain. If this is tough for you I'm sorry, but it's just what I need from you."

"So even after the divorce and cutting every single person from that time out of my life, I'm still being punished." Addison's voice cracks as she speaks and she hates that this is what finally causes Kevin to look at her for the first time since the restaurant.

"Addison…"

"No, I got it. I'm sorry for yelling, you go think. Thanks for dinner."

She jumps out of the car, practically runs down the walkway and fumbles with her keys before finally making into her house. Sliding down against the door, Addison remembers the last time she rushed inside and thinks that at least she was right about one thing, at least she made him take it back.

-o-

After a long, hot shower, Addison slips into her robe and wanders downstairs for a glass of water when she hears someone knocking. She opens the porch door to find Pete standing there with no wine and no smirk.

"Hey, I saw you were home and just wanted to – hey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Addison says, pulling her robe more tightly closed.

"That would be a lot more convincing if you didn't look like you were about it cry. Is this about your fight with Naomi?"

"How do you know about that?"

"You guys weren't exactly being quiet. I mean, I didn't hear what was said or anything but that shouting didn't sound fun," Pete shrugs.

"Well, no it's not just – wait a minute," Addison peers up at him suspiciously. "Is that why you're here? Because I fought with Naomi?"

She can't be certain because of the dark but Addison's almost positive that at her words, a blush spreads across Pete's cheeks. "I just wanted to see if you were okay," is his reply.

"Why?"

"I don't know Addison, because this is what friends do. Are you going to let me in? It's cold out here." She considers him for a bit before stepping aside. Pete stands awkwardly in the living room until Addison gestures towards the couch.

"Do you, um, want anything to drink?" she asks, as he takes off his jacket and rests it on the arm.

"No, I'm okay." The famous Pete smirk finally makes an appearance on his face. "Are you going to sit down or just flit around the kitchen a lot?"

"Oh, shut up." Addison perches gingerly on the other end of the couch, and then hesitates a second before swinging her feet onto the cushion and pulling a blanket over her legs.

"So what was the fight about?" Pete asks, turning a little to face her.

"Kevin."

"Oh," His face darkens and Addison can't help, especially after the day she's had, letting out a little laugh.

"Are you sorry you asked now?"

"No," he says, shooting her a look. "I'm just trying to figure what about that guy would piss Naomi off. He's practically a spokesman for people pleasing."

She decides to let that small jab go by. "It's just Naomi told him something I didn't want him to know yet and he didn't say anything about it but then she told me she told him so then I yelled and she yelled and then I _had_ to talk to him about it and then he..." Addison feels her chest begin to tighten so she abandons that road of conversation and switches back to vague generalizations. "Anyway this whole day has just been kind of…. "

"Swirly?"

"But not in the good way." Pete smiles at her, before noticing that she's still staring down at her hands twisting on her lap.

"There's something else wrong," he says, not as a question. "What happened when you told Kevin the thing that Naomi was supposed to tell him? Our vocabulary right now is making my head spin by the way."

Addison tries to laugh at that but then suddenly the retelling of her long, crappy day and the long, crappy day itself creeps up on her and forces a small sob out of her throat. Embarrassed, she avoids Pete's gaze, now wide with concern, and grabs for the tissues resting on the table next to her.

"Hey," Pete gently touches her shoulder and Addison jumps a little, not realizing he had moved closer. "Hey, what it is?"

His hand stays on her shoulder, but she doesn't try to shake it off as she turns to look at him. "You ever feel like one mistake is going to define the rest of your life?" she says softly.

To anyone else it might sound like nonsense, but for some reason Pete's eyes suggest that he gets what she means. "He didn't take… whatever you told him well?"

Addison shakes her head in response. "It's my own fault. It _was_ my own fault and I can't expect everyone to take my side and then get upset when they don't."

"You can expect him to try and understand your side. If he doesn't even do that, it's not your fault. The guy is clearly an idiot."

"Kevin's not an idiot!"

"If he makes you this upset then, yeah, he is."

"Why do you care this much?" It's a loaded question, especially when his thumb is still gently rubbing the fabric against her skin. Because if Addison is being honest with herself she knows exactly why Pete cares this much because Pete, despite standing her up and having issues, cares, at least a little, for _her_. She also knows that that's not enough to change years of repression and anger and commitment problems, and anything they start would be destined for complete and utter failure.

She knows all this, it's all running through her head clearly and loudly, even as, instead of answering her question, he slides his hand to the back of the neck, even as her palm somehow finds it's way to his thigh. And their gaze isn't breaking and their both moving and staying completely still at the same time and he's close, very close, and she can feel his breath on her lips, hot and ragged, and this is a mistake, she knows, but she's going to let it happen anyway and –

The phone rings suddenly and Addison jerks away, hand shooting out to snap up the receiver to her ear.

"Hello?" she says, getting up from the couch and turning her back to Pete.

"Hey," Naomi's voice drifts through the line. "Addison I am so sorry for today, I felt awful the whole night."

"Yeah," Addison replies quietly, "I'm sorry too. Look, I actually can't stay on the phone now but we'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too. Bye." She hangs up, and as she places the phone back in the cradle, she sneaks a look at Pete. He's staring at her, slightly flushed. "Naomi," she explains.

"Oh, okay," he gets up and takes a step towards her. "Addison…"

"You should probably go," she interrupts, crossing her arms over her chest.

"We're seriously just not going to talk about this?" Pete asks, disbelievingly.

"No, we're not. It was… nothing."

"Not to me. And not to you either," he accuses, jamming his hands into his pockets.

"You don't get to decide this," Addison says evenly. "Please go."

Pete glares at her for a few seconds, and then grabs his jacket and leaves, slamming the door behind him. Addison remains still while taking a few deep breathes, and then opts to collapse on the couch instead of climbing back upstairs. Her dreams are full of thunderstorms, locked doors, and yelling that pierces through the rain.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

"Hey." Addison looks up to find Kevin hovering at the doorway to her office, a sheepish expression on his face and a bouquet of pink roses in his hand. Walking in he holds out the flowers and Addison reaches to take them.

"What are these for?" she asks.

"They're to soften you up so you won't throw me out of the practice before I have a chance to apologize."

Addison shakes her head. "Kevin, you don't have to –"

"Yes," he says firmly. "I do. I treated you horribly last night. I said I didn't want to force you into telling me anything until you were ready, and then when you did I shut down without even giving you a chance to talk. Addison, I… I don't want to be another reason for you not to trust people. And I'm sorry for how I reacted."

"It's fine," she says quietly, "I get why you did, I'm used to it by now."

"You shouldn't be."

"Yes, I should," Addison sets the roses down on her desk and steps closer to him. "What I did was… horrible, and no matter what else was going wrong in my marriage, I can't make excuses for it. And sometimes I… I'm just scared that I'll become the kind of person who could do something like that again." She looks up at him, blinking back the tears that appeared suddenly and annoying in her eyes. "Doesn't that scare you too?"

"No," he says immediately, reaching out to tuck a fallen lock of hair behind her ear. "I trust you. That didn't change, okay? I promise."

"Really?" she says, weakly.

"Really." Kevin brushes his lips lightly against hers before pulling her closer. "And Addison?" he murmurs into the top of her head, "I know you made me take it back but… I do. I really, really do."

"Okay," she whispers, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Thank you."

Through the glass door, she sees Pete passing by in the hallway. His eyes narrow slightly as they catch hers, and as a pang of guilt and fear shoots through her stomach, Addison tightens her grip on Kevin and looks away.

-o-

Addison steps into the elevator at the end of the day, exhausted and more than ready for a relaxing night of re-solidifying her friendship with Naomi in true med school tradition with a bottle of wine, comfortable clothing, and trashy television. Unfortunately, in true Oceanside Wellness tradition, just as the doors are about the close, a hand sticks through the space, immediately widening them to reveal Pete, who glances at her briefly as he steps inside.

"So," he says, after a nanosecond of silence, "guess you two are back together."

"We never _weren't_ together."

"Didn't seem that way last night."

"Oh my god, are you kidding me?" Addison scoffs. "So much for not being twelve."

Pete turns to glare at her, replying, "A guy makes you that upset and you forgive him in under five minutes because he buys you some overused bouquet of cliché?"

"He apologized."

"And that makes it better?"

"Yes!" Addison yells, exasperated. "He's a good guy, he's sorry, and he means it. Why shouldn't that make it better??

"If he's such a good guy, then why did we almost kiss?"

"Okay, that's it." Addison reaches out and yanks the emergency button so the elevator screeches to a halt.

"I thought these were the non-aphrodisiac elevators," Pete says with a smirk.

"Shut up," Addison snaps. "What do you want, Pete? _You're _the one who said you were just interested in fun, _you're_ the one who stood me up, and _you're_ the one who told me to go out with Kevin in the first place. Clearly you're not interested in anything remotely resembling an actual relationship, so what makes you think you have any right to barge in and try to sabotage everything now? _What do you want_?'

"Maybe I don't know!" Pete yells back, and somewhere in the back of her haze of anger Addison couldn't help but take note of the fact that he was the kind of man who didn't walk away from a fight. "Maybe I was trying to figure that out before you up and ran off with some random police officer!"

Addison snorts. "Oh please, you weren't trying to figure anything out. You're just pissed someone else has something that you never did."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means you're not jealous that I'm dating Kevin, you're jealous that I'm _sleeping_ with Kevin. Don't bother to pretend that you've ever wanted anything else from me."

Pete stares at her incredulously. "That's really what you think?"

"That's _exactly_ what I think."

"Addison, if I just wanted to have sex, I'd go out and have sex. This is L.A., it wouldn't be a challenge, but for some reason I haven't even _looked_ at another woman like that since I met you! If that's all I wanted then I wouldn't care that I'm just this stupid, second-rate friend, I wouldn't have driven all the way to your house last night just to make sure you were okay, and I wouldn't have wanted to punch your _boyfriend_ out ever since I found out he was the one making you cry. But, what, all that means nothing?"

"Yes," Addison says, crossing her arms.

"_Why?_"

"Because it's easy enough to clean up someone else's problem, Pete, but at the end of the day that doesn't change who you are, and who you are isn't the type of guy who's going to be there when it counts."

"You don't know that," Pete says coldly, and maybe she's being too harsh and maybe he isn't that guy completely, but he's close enough to make it not worth the risk. Addison's not sure she's strong enough to bounce back from that kind of mistake a second time.

"Yes I do," she replies sharply, yanking the emergency button so the elevator starts up again. When the doors open, she practically sprints out to her car without ever looking behind her and it's not until she's behind the wheel that Addison starts to breathe again.

-o-

"Are you still mad at me?"

"What?" Addison tears her eyes away from the television and looks at Naomi, curled up in the armchair next to her. "No, why do you ask?"

"You've been quiet all night. Lavern and Shirley re-runs aren't _that_ interesting," Naomi replies, gesturing at the screen. "Come on Addison, we can't stay mad at each other, remember?"

"I know, I'm not, it's just…" Addison shrugs, "Long day. I'm snapping out of it now, promise. Talk to me about something."

Naomi wraps a blanket and thinks for a second. "I think Sam wants to tell Maya about us."

"It was one drunken kiss at a Halloween party Nai, do you really think Maya needs to be scarred with that story?"

"That's not advice," Naomi says with a roll of her eyes. "And as much as I love rehashing embarrassing tales of our past, I actually need advice on this one Addie. Do you think it's a good idea?"

"Well," Addison switches off the television and scoots down the couch, "everyone at the practice already knows. Of course, everyone at the practice isn't your daughter."

"Exactly. If this doesn't work out... it'll be awful at work for a while but everyone will eventually get over it just like before. We already know that Sam and I are masters at faking civility. But if this doesn't work out and Maya has to lose her family again… I don't think I can do that to her Addison."

"Who says it's not going to work out?"

"It didn't last time."

"Are things different now?"

Naomi stares silently into the fire for a few seconds before answering. "A little. Of course, I didn't think there was a problem with us before until there wasn't an us left. So I guess that's a question you'd have to ask Sam."

"Want me to?" Addison grins. "I could call him right now, work the whole double agent angle, find out the dirt, report back."

"I think he might catch on to that, actually."

"Because you told him we were hanging out tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah." Addison hugs a pillow to her chest and smiles at Naomi. "Tough break."

"I think he really wants us to make a go of it this time Addison," Naomi says seriously.

"And… you're holding back because you're scared that you're going to get hurt again?"

"No," Naomi says with a shake of her head, "I'm scared that no matter how real a possibility that is, I'm not even hesitating a little bit. I'm scared that if it wasn't for Maya, I'd be screaming about this thing from the rooftops. I'm scared that that's how much I still love him."

-o-

"Hello?" His voice sleepily drifts through the receiver.

"Hey, it's me," Addison says. "Sorry I'm calling so late."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah I just, I wanted to tell you… I love you too."

TO BE CONTINUED….

Author's Note: Hey guys, thanks to everyone for reading, I really appreciate all the reviews. I just wanted to take a poll to see if it would completely throw everyone off the story if I switched perspectives every couple of sections so it isn't always in Addison's POV. If you could just let me know what you guys think that would be really helpful. Hope you enjoy it!


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